


Adrift

by Pammie



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Absolutely no suicide, Acts of Kindness, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, His friends help him, Kurapika is in a really bad place at the end of Episode 53, Kurta Clan - Freeform, Spoilers, past trauma, warning: suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 09:11:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11250063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pammie/pseuds/Pammie
Summary: Maybe he had died that day alongside his clan. Maybe now that his revenge was impossible, his earthly ties would be severed and his soul would float up and up to Urpshin, the Kurta heaven for all those who had ever been loved. But no, that sounded like an ending to one of the myths that Kurapika’s grandmother used to tell. This was real life. He was trapped, a dead soul in a rotting body. He had thought - somehow, he had let himself believe - that the gods had spared his soul so that he could avenge his people.But he couldn’t. Now there was nothing left for him.Set in the aftermath of Episode 53. Slight spoilers for the show up to that point.





	Adrift

**Author's Note:**

> This is set right after Episode 53. Kurapika has just seen the corpses of the Phantom Troupe and bid and bought the eyes of his people for a girl who laughed in delight over them. As the show says, he's "drowning in an indescribable emptiness." I hated that the episode ended with him alone, so I changed it :))))

Kurapika walked out of the hospital with stone feet, a stone heart, and a mouth that tasted like dust. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

_He_ was supposed to kill the Phantom Troupe. 

But now they were dead. By someone else’s hands. And he had nothing.

The hard, cracked sidewalk blurred underneath him as he walked through the crowded streets of Yorknew City and under the glowing, yellow streetlamps. Black skyscrapers surrounded Kurapika, looming over him like tombstones, red and white lights glistening up, up and around him. The chatter of the crowd around him and whirl of traffic grated on his ears, but he couldn’t pick up his leaden feet any faster than he already was. 

The air was muggy and thick with fear. The explosions had stopped and transportation was finally moving again, but news was traveling fast that the infamous Phantom Troupe had attacked and been defeated by an army of mobsters in the middle of Yorknew City. People were running and shouting and shoving past Kurapika. He lifted his eyes as someone else knocked into his shoulder and ran off without a second glance.. Nobody saw him and nobody cared. He hated this city. He needed to get away.

A screeching bus flew past him but all Kurapika could hear was the delighted laugh Neon gave when he had passed her the scarlet eyes of the Kurta. The eyes he had bid on and bought. The eyes that had belonged to one of his brethren and had once looked upon him in recognition. 

Kurapika felt sick.

The people around him were too much, too loud and too close. He was a powder keg, about to explode at anyone or anything. He needed to get _away_ from these damned streets, but he had never gotten a hotel room to retreat into. On their own accord, his eyes drifted up to the city skyline... There. That was perfect.

It took a while to find the tallest, least protected skyscraper and climb up it, but it was a relief to be doing something, to have a goal in mind. It helped ease the pain, if only a bit.

Up on the roof, the air was still unnaturally muggy for a september night, but the wind was blowing strong enough for the warm air to still bite through his tunic. Without thinking, his feet carried him to the edge of the skyscraper, close enough so that he could see the winding streets and the poking skyscrapers around him, standing thick as trees in a forest. 

And the stars. The stars hung above him, as eternal and unmovable as ever. Unconsciously, Kurapika’s eyes found the constellations of the Kurta: the Boar, Great Uda, the Blind Virgin. A sudden of wave of dumb rage struck him, just as the wind rose and rushed behind him, edging his feet closer to the ledge. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t _fair_ that these symbols of the Kurta hung in the sky while the Kurta people had been thrown aside like dust, like _trash_.

He hated this world and he hated himself. He hated that blue-haired bitch and her soulless father and he hated the Kurta for dying without him and the Phantom Troupe for dying before he could kill them. Hatred festered from him like a rotten wound and it was all Kurapika could do to keep himself from screaming.

Slowly, his anger ebbed. He was too tired to keep it, so the wind carried it away, dispersing it out into the heavy city air. 

_There’s nothing for me now. I’m done. Nothing else to do._

Well, there was one more thing. 

He pulled out his phone and dialed. The phone buzzed dully once, twice, before there was a click and Gon’s familiar voice on the other end, asking, “Hello? Kurapika?”

“Yeah.” He paused. “You said you wanted to stop the Troupe, right? That won’t be necessary now. The spiders are dead.”

Gon gasped. “Huh? What do you mean? Kurapika, what’s going on?”

Kurapika hung up. 

Traffic roared below him, the wind whistled in his ears, but the silence from the inky black sky smothered him. He let it. He let his sorrow and his exhaustion pour out, alongside the despair and revulsion at having to buy and deliver his brethern’s eyes. The emotions burned like a furnace inside of him for a moment and then they were gone. Like smoke. He was empty.

Was this what death felt like? Emptiness? He stepped closer to the ledge, but he didn’t feel any apprehension. He didn’t care anymore. There was nothing left.

Maybe he had died that day alongside his clan. Maybe now that his revenge was impossible, his earthly ties would be severed and his soul would float up and up to Urpshin, the Kurta heaven for all those who had ever been loved. But no, that sounded like an ending to one of the myths that Kurapika’s grandmother used to tell. This was real life. He was trapped, a dead soul in a rotting body. He had thought - somehow, he had let himself believe - that the gods had spared his soul so that he could avenge his people.

But he couldn’t. Now there was nothing left for him.

His eyes dropped down the the street below him. He remembered the way Uvogin’s flsh had sunk and squelched under Kurapika’s fist. What would that feel like, to feel your body collapsing in? What would it feel like to let the concrete crush him?

_I could kill myself,_ he realized, with a tinge of surprise. He had never seriously considered it before; even on the day of the massacre, all Kurapika had felt was sick rage and despair. But now, it seemed like such a simple solution. He could just step over the ledge, end it all….

But no. It was stupid and useless. Unpractical. _Pathetic._ Let one person live and mourn the Kurta, even if he spent the remainder of his days on this ledge. 

His phone was ringing. The sound didn’t surprise him, so it must have been ringing for a while without him noticing. He let it ring. If it was Mr. Nostrade telling him to come back, then Kurapika couldn’t handle that. Neon’s laugh of delight over the bobbing, scarlet eyes echoed in his ears and curdled his stomach. He couldn’t do it. 

But the night was silent only for a few seconds before his phone started ringing again. This time, he answered.

“Kurapika!” It was Gon. “Kurapika, are you alright? Where are you?”

Should Kurapika answer him? Should he hang up? “I don’t know.”

“But, you're still in Yorknew City, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? You should come to our hotel, we have an extra cot you can use and plenty of food. We’re at Hotel Rose, do you know where that is?”

“Yes.” 

“Good. I’ll be waiting in the lobby for you-”

“Why should I come?” A part of him balked at how rude and distant his voice sounded, but Gon was unphased.

“Because we need to talk.” Gon said without hesitating. “It’s important. Can you get here soon?”

So Kurapika climbed the stairs down the skyscraper, slowly dodging the guards and the wove through the crowded streets of the city. He had seen Hotel Rose several times as they had driven Neon around and it was a small blessing that his feet knew where to go. Before he knew it, he was pushing open huge glasses doors and stepping into a warm, brightly lit lobby. 

Suddenly something small and hard leapt at Kurapika and wrapped its limbs around him.

“Gon?!”

“Kurapika, I’m so glad you’re here! It’s been so long.” He slid down and hopped away, hands on his hips and his eyes burning with that familiar Gon Intensity. “I was worried that you wouldn’t come.”

“You- You said that it was important,” Kurapika said, blinking. 

“Yeah, c’mon, I’ll take you to the room. Leorio wanted to come down with me and greet you, but I made him and Killua stay and heat up some food, since we didn’t think you’d had dinner. I think he really missed you, even though he won’t say it,” Gon gushed. He grinned up at Kurapika who automatically gave him a small smile back. 

In a daze, Kurapika followed Gon to the room.

 

 

 

After the night he’d had, it was unreal to suddenly be standing in a room surrounded by light, laughter, people he knew, and hot food. Leorio gave him a strong slap on the back and Killua waved and Kurapika did his best to hide his bewilderment, but if the others noticed how distant he was, they gave no sign.

Together, they all sat at the table and Gon made a heaping plate of steaming vegetables and rolls for Kurapika without asking. They talked about the video Gon and Killua were looking for, Leorio’s medical school exams, the hot nurse who had broken his glasses, and they laughed about the Hunter Exam, as if it had just been a bad dream they had all shared. 

Finally, during a lull in the conversation, Killua looked at Kurapika squarely and asked what they all must’ve been wondering. “So it’s true? The Phantom Troupe’s dead?”

Kurapika set down his fork. He had managed to eat some of the mashed potatoes, but his heart dropped into his stomach like a stone. “Yes.”

“How?” Killua asked fiercely. “That should be impossible.”

“I’m not sure how. But I saw the corpses. I recognized them. They’re dead.” His voice cracked.

“But that’s great, Kurapika!” Gon exclaimed. “Now you can focus on your main goal. You have to find the eyes of your people! Right? That way you can give them a proper burial.”

Kurapika blinked and the world rocked around him.

“If there’s anything we can do to help, please ask us. We’ll help you in any way we can.”

“Gon…”

“He’s right,” Leorio said. He grinned at Kurapika’s dumbfounded expression. “After all you did to help me with the exam, well, I’m in your debt. So just name it and you’ve got it.” 

“Really, you should have asked us to help you with the Phantom Troupe in the first place,” Killua drawled, poking at his food and trying to look disinterested. “Maybe we could’ve knocked out a few before the mafia got to them.”

“It doesn’t matter who killed them, as long as they're dead!” Gon declared. 

“I’m just pointing out that he should have _asked._ So he better ask next time he needs something.” His eyes slowly slid towards Kurapika and then away, and Kurapika felt a strange warmth for this assassin kid that he had barely talked to.

“I…” Kurapika’s throat betrayed him and he choked. Just an hour ago, he had been numb enough to end everything but now, a bubbling, fierce warmth spread through him. His sight blurred and he wiped his eyes desperately. “Thank you. _Thank you._ ”

There was a moment of recognition, where they all felt what Kurapika couldn’t say, but words weren’t enough. They smiled and launched back into conversation. Kurapika let himself drown in the mindless chatter and laughter, not taking part, but watching and knowing that this was for him.

His hands trembled in his lap and he smiled helplessly at everything. _They’re doing this for me. I’ve lost so much, but I still have this._

Another tear leaked from his eye and he laughed. 

 

 

 

“Sorry that you have to sleep on the couch, if we’d known you were coming we could’ve gotten a bigger room.”

“It’s fine Gon, really. Thank you.”

“Well, there are more blankets over there and here’s an extra pillow if you need it. I don’t know what time we’ll be getting up but we can try not to wake you-”

“I’ll be fine,” Kurapika said and he meant it. He smiled and hugged his pillow to himself. It was darker and quieter now, since Leorio and Killua had gone to bed. The city lights glowed from the windows, but they were no longer sinister. “Please, don’t worry about me. And, Gon, what you said… You really helped me, and I- Well, thank you. I owe you guys everything.”

“Don’t say that, we love to help you, Kurapika.” Gon beamed up at him in that loving, inclusive way that only Gon can, then he waved and retreated. “Good night! Sleep tight! We’ll see you in the morning.”

Kurapika waved back and dropped on the soft, velvet couch. But then, he remembered something. “Gon?”

Gon stopped, halfway through his door.

“Didn’t you tell me that you needed something? Something important?”

“Oh, ah.” He flushed and rubbed his neck. “Well, we were hoping to ask you about your nen training tomorrow…”

Kurapika raised his eyebrows. “It’s that important?”

“No. Er, actually. I might’ve lied. I just- You sounded really wrong on the phone and I didn’t think you should be alone tonight. I’m really sorry though, please don't be mad....”

Oh, seven hells. Gon was the best, brightest, kindest thing that had ever happened in the world and Kurapika’s face screwed up as a new batch of tears stung his eyes. “Oh.” He choked. "Thank you."

Gon smiled sadly. “You’re welcome. Now go to bed, you look exhausted." He turned and marched to his room, but paused at the doorway. Light spilled out from his room, silhouetting Gon in the gloom. "Good night, Kurapika.”

“Good night.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I've been blowing through Hunter x Hunter over the past few days and even though I had been enjoying it, episode 53 blew. Me. Away. Because Kurapika!! Was so sad!!! It was animated and done so well???? I just wanted him to be happy and not have to spend the night alone and in misery, so this happened. Please review if you can! Thanks so much! :)


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